1st august

Day where i left my mum's sack .

well , 1st August 2009 !
This time , im not leaving my mum's sack anymore . haha . but its pratically the most busiest day this year . I have prefect's installation and interact installation . Im not hoping for anything this year . i have to study on that day as well . Gosh , i just wish PMR ends ASAP !

Life would be wayyyyyy easier this year without exams . After all the years , this year is the most challenging year i've faced .

Taaaaa !

Smell the sarcasm

This year is the most awesome year of my life !
aha , im kidding . its pratically the worst . i've never felt this way before . but , all i can say is s*it happens .
Well , ive done a lot of mistakes this year . too much ! but this year is the year of change to me .
i truly have seen who i am meant to be , i don't have to pretend or be someone else , try to fit in , be cheap , or any socialite smoker girl .
ive realised im the girl who :
has high goals and wishes to achieve each of it . disliked by most other girls cause i have more guy friends or even cause the guys are their boyfriends . haha . im a skinny girl , but im accepting as its a human thing , a human nature that no one's perfect . im a prefect cause im doing what is good for me . im rebellious at times as i do still want to experience this adolescent / teenage life of mine . i know where my limits are but sometimes , i loose control and explode . i can be a musician if i choose to ; perform at indie events , layan tachup . i can be a socialite girl ; dances hard , flirtatious , sneaky . i can be a nerd ; in first class of the batch , studies most of the time of my life . i can be a sports girl ; runner , hockey player , bowler etc . i can even be the weird girl in the class ; already am cause pratically most students in my class are wayyyy tooo nerdy for me to handle , even im voted as the most hyperactive / proactive student in class . but in the end , i just choose to be me ; Eniza Fasiha bte Ellias .
After years of trying to fit in , trying to shine , trying to be like others , i just realised . People who know the real me appreciates me the most . Why should i try to fit in ? Not to brag bout myself , but here's what i achieve in my life by being myself .

Im a prefect . Im a BOD interactor . Im a dancer . Im a musician . Im a nerd . Im also socialite . Im a soft person who cries often . Im a leader ; eventhough i might suck at it a bit . Im nice to everyone , even those weird yet goofy ones . I giggle like a little kid . I don't believe in gangs or cliques . I think a lot . Im a debater , and i speak english often . I suck at bm . I believe that everything happens for a reason , a good reason in the end . I talk like a 5 year old kid but im understanding . Im crazy at times . I annoy people most of the time . I can be serious when you want me too . I laugh hard . I love to study , makes me feel smarter . I like to change a person's life into something better . It makes me feel like ive done a good deed . I love my family a lot . I have only a number of friends who are really true friends and others are just come and go . I sometimes like to make people get pissed at me and i end up laughing at . I don't like it when someone tries too hard to grab attention . I dislike the fact that i keep screwing up , but its okay . I dislike racism . Im an athelete . I don't listen to rumors , seriously . I may not be pretty or petite , meaty or fair , hot or cold :P . but all that matters now is that im me . not anyone else .

So ... screw you guys who always give me the slack look ( unless i did something wrong to you) but everyone's different in their own way . figure out who you are then just continuing being someone else's clone . no one even forced you to be nice to me . each person is beautiful in their own way . no one's perfect , so forgive me for my imperfection . i know i shine , i didnt mean to steal the spotlight . im sorry for that too but i didnt mean to steal any spotlight , im just being who i am .

Lalalalove ,
Eniza Fasiha bte Ellias .

A Piece for Myself And Her

I sacrifice my times with my times with my friends a lot for myself , for my results . I sacrifice my interact meetings for my results and my mum's satisfaction . I sacrifice my times to sleep to study .

HER
The her is my sister , Emira Farzana .
After PMR , i'd be gone to Brunei for about a month so that i wouldnt distract or disturb her with her SPM when i just wish to stay in Brunei for a week only just to spend time with my friends . Those who I have been sacrifising my times with . Tomorrow , the whole dance crew would be hanging out at Sunway Pyramid , kinda a reunite thing and all id be doing is studying wishing that I can reunite with them when PMR ends . Yesterday , 10th of July 2009 , is the last day i'd sacrifise for her . Lies ive been through with my mum mostly cause i sacrifised for her . Truthfully , i have long phone bills is cause i talk about her . How much I wish she could find someone better , how much i wish i didnt lie to my mum for her but somehow i had to , how much I wish these 2 years of me lying cause of this guy who doesnt deserve or suit my sister would end , how much I love both sides , my mum and my sister , that i had to lie to them , How much I wanna express my true feelings to each of them but its they themselves are making it hard for me to say it , How much i wish my mum's shouting and screaming would end , How much I was wishing for a peace in the family and peace in the heart , How much I wanna stop talking bout this problem to my friends ( The ones that I owe listening to this are Sera, Dalila , Nadirah , Amir , Farhan , Nasri , Shahid And of course Muhammad Nazmi ) , Its honestly been 2 suffering years for me but all I could do is lie to my sister that Im happy but deepdeep inside i live in a sorrow , All the things ive done with her , the crazy stuff was so that i can bond with her , hoping that she'd appreciate me instead of that guy i've been lying for 2 years , hoping that she'd appreciate what i've been doing for her . But instead when she says , " Eisha , next year i bawak you gie shopping and we can go clubbing together kayyy ? Eisha , next year , we can go to Port Dickson together kayyy ? And all I could ever think of is that she wants me to lie to my mum again and just for her to spend time with that guy , that I've been lying for 2 years for . I've been lying for a relationship bond between my sister and me for 2 years , but sacrifising my trust from my mum . I've been lying for a guy with my sister for 2 years hoping for a bond with my sister , but if i tell the truth to my mum , the bond will be gone . Please chachik , understand me for once , truthfully and honestly , i'm not lying this time , all ive been seeking for is your love and mama's tears to stop . All i've been wanting for is just so that you won't shout to mama and mama won't shout to you . 3 days ago , in school , during mathematics class , I cried thinking that I wanna give up on studies . Thinking that there's no point for me to get my future right but not have a bond with my family . There's no point if i get my future right but living in a house that's still occupied with screaming and shouting . When I came home , I couldnt tell what I feel to my mum , i didnt like that . I hoped to tell my sister how i feel during the weekends , but i know if i did , I'd put her into a hard situation . So , there I ended up calling my friends ( Amir and Nadirah ) on the phone , crying , telling them that tired of this . Telling that I wanna solve this but I can't . All I can do is just stay this way , Confused , Sad , Lying , and Thinking bout others . And their advice was to admit to my mum the truth , but i know I can't cause of you , Chachik . I've done a lot for you , hoping just for a bond with you .
Yesterday 10th of July is the day where I knew that the guy failed most of his subjects for SPM , where I found my heart cleared out . And there I was saying " I love you " to my mum and " Thanks for solving this 2 years of me lying to you and sacrifising for chachik " . When I reached tuition , I cried infront of Shahid . Tears of joy for the first time in my life , I cried cause of happiness . I'm not willing to sacrifise anymore , and its time for me to think of myself . Its been 2 years and 10th of July is the date where my heart sat in peace . Its not fully settled down yet , cause Im still afraid . Im afraid if what happend and this post will make me loose me and my sister's bond . Im afraid that this thing wouldnt end . But all I could do is have hope that things would be alright cause I think 2 years of sacrifising for her is good enough and worth more than just a normal bond between sisters .

NOW
I wanna to thank my friends who have been listening to this problems for 2 years . I've admitted to my mum the truth on why i've been calling people ( its cause i can't choose either what to do on this particullar problem ) . Thank my mum for solving this problem . I have to focus on my PMR ( Amir's advice ). Think about myself for once ( Nadirah's advice ) . Find a better guy for my sister ( Sera's advice ) Chill ( Nabila's advice ) Stop thinking about this problem ( Shahid's advice ) Stop crying of happiness and being hyper in tuition ( Chun Kit's advice on the date itself at tuition ) . Other friends have been a great shoulder to cry on and express how I feel to . I have to thank Allah for a chance for me to settle things down . I can focus on my PMR . and all I can do know is just HOPE . Hope for things to get better and a better guy would appear in my sister's life without me sacrifising this time and with my mum's agreement . She's already going to college , she's not in highschool anymore . Its time for her to get my mum's agreement on guys , but the right guy . I have to make sure I won't think that there's no point of setting my future's right .

Love and Truthfully ,
Eniza Fasiha bte Ellias .